I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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