You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
