took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
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