I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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