i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
