my phone needs a breathalizer
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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