Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
