see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
