i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
