omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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