just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
