The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
