Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
