last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
