I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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