I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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