dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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