Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
