I hate your face
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
