i just had sex bonerless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
