You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
