can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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