wat bout pragnant strippers??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
