connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
