i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
this just has baby written all over it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
