i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
