You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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