Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
