I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
