Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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