I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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