Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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