she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
