I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
