DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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