Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
