i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
