Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
