Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
