I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
