you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
