Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
