morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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