When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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