I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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