I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
