I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
