Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
