Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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