She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
